


and you’re tied together with a smile (but you’re coming undone)

by xlovexonlyx



Category: Girl Meets World
Genre: F/F, and mention of cory and topanga, brief references to lucas and farkle, but it will be a romantic thing at the end, rilaya isn’t there at first, riley is very very very sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-22
Updated: 2018-07-22
Packaged: 2019-06-14 14:53:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15391185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xlovexonlyx/pseuds/xlovexonlyx
Summary: there’s an ache in your chest, and a heaviness in your bones, and you just want to find the light again.





	and you’re tied together with a smile (but you’re coming undone)

/ “everything bad in the world is your fault.” /

You’re sitting on your bedroom floor, your knees pulled up against your chest, serving as a resting place for your chin. You’re trying your best to make yourself as small as possible, because maybe for every inch smaller that you are, an inch more of good will be released out there in the world. (Maybe an inch more will go to Maya.)

You’re staring at your dresser, and your eyes focus on a piece of paint peeling off of the bottom drawer. You’re so focused on it that you don’t hear the cracked window slide open, and you don’t even smell her sweet perfume. You almost jump out of your skin when you feel warm fingers brush against your cheek.

“Riles?” Her eyes are more gray than blue tonight, and her teeth pick at her bottom lip, something she does when she’s worried about you. “Are you okay?”

You clear your throat, and will your voice not to break. “Yeah, I’m good.”

A raised eyebrow. “You were pretty spaced out, honey. Are you - are you sure? What were you thinking about?”

You hate lying to Maya, so you almost break down and tell her how you think your existence is why bad things happen. You almost tell her that you wish you were never born because all you want is for people to be happy and you just ruin everything. You almost tell her but she’s been bouncing a little on her toes this entire time, and she does this when she has something to talk to you about. So you stand up, and pull her down onto the window seat, and you give her your biggest smile, and you lie, you lie, you lie. “I’m sure, Peaches. I was just trying to make up a new anthem for Rileytown. Lost track of the time.”

Maya smiles and releases her lip from her teeth, and you give an internal sigh of relief. She believes you. She nods, and the next second she launches into the story of the adventure that she had with Shawn tonight. She mistakes your irregular breathing as excitement, and you let her. You don’t tell her that you’re fighting to hold back sobs.

•

/ “there is no future to look forward to to where i’m anywhere near as good as you guys.” /

You have always admired your parents for their hard work and how they always tried their best to help those in need of it. Ever since you were a little girl, you took comfort in the fact that you had Superwoman for a mother, and Superman for a father. Now when you look at them, you can feel resentment stirring in your chest. You don’t see superheroes anymore; no, all you can really see is another reason why you’ll never be good enough. You see a future where you only fail over and over and over again, and then you realize that’s not the future. It is the present. You’re already not good enough for them or for the world, and you think that maybe you never were. 

•

/ “i don’t want to be unique. i don’t want anybody to notice me.” /

Maya’s staring at you, and she clearly doesn’t understand what’s going on. You know that you should explain, but you can’t make the words escape your mouth. Your heart is pounding in your chest, and you don’t understand how it still works when it hurts so bad. You clench your hands, and you call Maya a bully, and you watch hurt flicker in her eyes and in her face. There’s never been as much tension between the two of you as there is in this moment, and all you want to do is fall into the safety of her arms, but you hold yourself back. You deserve this. You deserve to hurt, and to be alone with it. You’ve already been enough for Maya to deal with, with your hope and your joy and your strange habits and your existence. You deserve to hurt, so you force yourself to turn around and go to the bathroom, only letting your tears fall once you shut the door.

/ “riley, no one should be texting you in class.” “i agree.” /

You shove your phone back into your pocket, and squeeze your eyes shut, trying your best to breathe, breathe, breathe. You can see the message on the back of your eyelids: ‘I wish you didn’t exist, everyone wishes it too.’ You agree with the words wholeheartedly, wishing too that you didn’t exist; but, it still sends knives through you to have someone else say it to you.

•  
/ “i’m really tired, maya.” /

You allow yourself a moment of weakness, and you tell Maya that you’re tired, and god, you wish she understood exactly what you’re trying to say. You’re so fucking tired, and all you want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep, and if that sleep were to last forever, you wouldn’t mind at all. There’s this hole in your chest, and you had hoped that you could fill it with cheerleading. You hoped that if you had succeeded in your efforts to make the team, you would feel something other than this overwhelming emptiness. You let yourself fully hope for the first time in a long time, and maybe you should have stopped at the first “you’re not good enough” from the coach; but, you were being too Riley to save yourself this hurt, this embarrassment, this crushing weight from failing yet again.

God, why can’t you do anything right?

When concerned blue eyes meet your own lifeless brown ones, and she asks if you want to go home, you can barely agree without choking on the sobs you’re holding back. When you make it back to your room, she sits on your bed and leans back against the headboard, and she opens her arms. “Come here, honey.”

Her voice is so soft and her arms look like home, and you really want to feel at home, so you fall into her. You fall into her, and you let yourself fall apart, and god, everything hurts so much. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts, and when you cry yourself to sleep as she holds you, you really don’t want to wake up ever again.

•  
/ “sometimes, you are just too much for me, riley.” /  
/ “you know, you kind of ruined our first day of high school.” /

Something inside of you shatters at the words, and every time you repeat those two sentences in your mind, you can feel it shatter again. It shatters and it leaves new cuts behind every time. It shatters until there’s nothing left but dust, and a bloody, mangled mess of a heart.

Your friends don’t even want you around. Until now, it was just a lurking fear that swirled around in your thoughts more often than now. Now? Now, it’s reality. You destroyed yet another thing that would have been okay without your existence tainting it. You don’t deserve these people, you were selfish to act like you did. They deserve so much better than the disaster that is Riley Matthews. 

 

It’s past midnight when Maya climbs through the window. She slips beneath the covers, and pulls you into her arms. You lay your head against her chest, and you hope that hers isn’t as empty as yours is.

You don’t know when it starts, but there are tears rolling down your cheeks and soaking her shirt. Suddenly, her love is too much, you are too much, and your pain is too much, and you find yourself telling her just how fucking sad you are.

You tell her, and you hope that she can help lead you back to the light.

**Author's Note:**

> i think that in the show, riley was hurting a lot more than she let on, and i just kind of wanted to explore that, and so i started this, and i hope it’s okay.


End file.
